Here I am

You know I clicked on my blog today to delete it. I thought I haven't posted anything for months. I have gone through so much turmoil in my life I don't need the pressure to do one more thing. A funny thing happened. I read through my posts. Although there aren't very many I realized that the woman writing those posts is already happy and healthy. She is ready to loose the weight.

It is 6 months later and I have now moved across the country and moved with my children into my parents home. I have not lived at home since I was 17 years old. So there are a lot of adjustments. Moving a 2700sq ft house into 3 bedrooms and a garage is a huge one. Living with my parents, another one.  Leaving my friends behind. My children starting new schools. I need to become a full time working single mother. Oh and did I mention I am living with my parents. Haha. They are wonderful and very supportive. I am so grateful for their generosity but I am an independent woman and it is difficult for me. I am used to doing everything by myself. However I know this is where the Lord wants us to be and we are being blessed for it.

So how's my weight you ask? Good question. Not so great. I'm back up to 219lbs. I am embarrassed. I hate looking at my arms or profile in the mirror. This is NOT the woman I want to become. I now have new obstacles with living in my parents home. They are both severely overweight and have type 2 diabetes. They do not have good eating or exercising habits. My goal is to continue teaching my children. In the last week, we have already played soccer for a few hours, went on a bie ride and took an hour long hike in the woods. But I need to get ready to reach my goals. They have not changed and it has been helpful for me to reread them on my blog.

High's over last 6mths:
1. Divorce finalized
2. Finished teaching at 2 universities
3. Ran 1/2 marathon in the rain with my sister
4. Rode 100m bike ride with my friends
5. Moved across the country

Low's:
1. crazy x-husband
2. leaving friends & loved ones
3. The house has been under contract 4 times, had 9 offers and last one canceled because the dodo flooded the house 3 days after I moved. Under contract again but not finished yet.

Starting over takes courage. It doesn't mean you will be perfect. So time to get a clean start. Here we go again :)

Tip of the day: It's never too late to start over

Courage

I love this quote on courage. I believe it takes a lot of courage to start again, to try after someone or something hits you to the ground. I have dealt with what I perceive now to be an abusive relationship for many years. It hurts. Healing and forgiveness is a slow process. It isn't always people that push you over. It may be your health or your financial situation. Sometimes life just keeps sending storms your way. I believe it is inside each one of us to have hope and begin again. Remember that every Olympic athlete had to fight through the falls, the failures, and discouragement. It was essential that they pick themselves up each time. If they quit they would never have become the best in the world. We each have this ability inside of us. Remember you only fail if you quit trying.

Tip of the day: Never give up on yourself!!!

Should I or shouldn't I?

 Here I was at walmart looking for my luna bars. My eye wandered over to the next shelf that had weight loss supplements. I have always stayed away from these because I have a thyroid problem and do not want to mess up my metabolism anymore than necessary. But I fell prey to advertising. I know Jillian Micheals encourages clean living and healthy eating. I decided if she was promoting this product it was fine. WRONG! I bought it and brought it home. I spent a little time on the web researching before I started taking it. I'm glad I did. I discovered there is a current law suit. According to ABC news "Biggest Loser star and fitness guru Jillian Michaels is being sued for endorsing a diet cleanse supplement that contains allegedly dangerous ingredients." ABCnews Micheals law suit I also found comments such as "Please ladies and gentlemen listen to me when I say these pills do not work". Woah this is too much controversy for me to want to try this product. I'm taking it back today.

Tip of the day: Research any supplement or program before you start it!

Stay away from....

Have you missed me? Haha. I've been so crazy with work, kids, stupid man, and all the insanity of my life. Good news: I made it through Valentine's Day with a little help from my friends who brought me a lot of chocolate. Between godiva and dove, I gained weight. Oh quelle surprise! Sometimes I think it is more important to make it through than kill yourself. It is probably that mentality that got me to the weight I am. 

I have had difficulty staying away from my treats. I will eat very well but then eat a few cookies I made for the kids. So my friend and I made a goal to stay away from any refined sugars for 24 hours. It was much harder than it should have been but I did it. I did it! I was frustrated with myself how difficult it was. When you look at my fat gain - you know that pretty tire around my stomach I carry around, it screams sugar problems. So I realized that it need to remember mind over body and focus on my goals.

The tip of the day is: stay away from yummy fatty delicious chocolates if you can't stop at 1!

I caught a glance

I am so mad at myself. My body feels like it hasn't exercised for 10 years. Reality is it has only been 6 months. I went to run 3 miles and had to walk/run and it took me forever. I have this stupid stomach that gets in the way of everything! I try to do cross overs or stretch and this stupid stomach is in the way. It is soo ugly! I caught a glance of myself in the window and thought who's that fat woman? I know this sounds cliche. The problem is it happened to me.

OK enough of the negative talk! Good news is I am doing something about it. This should only motivate me to work harder and strive for more results. I am doing my half marathon with my sister who lives in a different city. It is great motivation. I did my 30 day shred this morning but I still had to run my 3m. I didn't want to be the one who said I didn't do it. So after dinner while my teenagers were at activities, I took my younger boys to the local recreation center and I ran/walked on the track. My sister and I texted each other when we finished. I am so proud of myself. I forgot how exercising can be so invigorating!

lost 4.5lbs

Winter cold!

What sick again! I know winter colds and sinus infections stink. Good new is I drank A LOT of water this last weekend. Bad news is I didn't start my training program. With extreme snow storms and sickness, I did not run on the streets. I did however keep up with my 30 day shred and riding my bike on my trainer. Way to go! I also did well in journaling my food. I slacked on Sat and Sunday when I was sick in bed. But lets stick to the positives. When I stepped on the scale today I was down 4lbs. at 212lbs. I'm not sure if it will stay but I'm happy whenever it says I've lost a few pounds!

Well, another week, another goal. Hopefully I'll kick this cold in the but. I need to keep up my journaling and start running no matter what the costs. Less sugar is on my list with more veggies when I get in the mood for snacks. I ate too many saltines when I was sick. Hopefully I can run at the local indoor track. I don't look forward to it because it is only 1/8 of a mile but the half marathon is only 11 weeks away. I have to start training. Wish me luck!

A pat on the back.

I'm so proud of myself. Last night I remembered my goal of not going to sleep without exercising. It was too snowy and icy to run outside and I no longer can afford a gym pass. So I didn't run for my training. At 10pm I realized I hadn't exercised yet. I went and did my 30 day shred even though I was tired. I also made sure I journaled all of my food that day. A star for me!

What should I eat?

Daily Plan:
Because it always starts the night before

11pm-6am sleep

6-7am 30 day shred & stretching/yoga

(running or biking/trainer according to workout schedule)

7am Breakfast: 2 egg whites & 1 whole wheat toast

10am Morning Snack: 1/2c cottage cheese & 1/2c fruit

12:30 Lunch: 3oz grilled chicken, salad, 1/2c rice

3pm Afternoon Snack: 1 yogurt (low carbs)

6pm Dinner: 1/2c rice or 1 small potato, chicken or fish, green vegetable, salad

7pm Dessert: berry smoothie w/ protein?

No more food

10-11pm quiet time

11pm sleep

only 4oz & more greens

Notes:
80-100oz water/day

1300-1500 calories/day

Grill chicken 2 times a week

Cook hard boiled eggs for snack on the run

Always have fruit or homemade fruit roll up in car

Always have water in car

No processed sugars

Food Journal? Definitely!

I love this quote because it doesn't matter if you journal it or not, your body will know. Journaling my food is always a very important step to my weight loss. Unfortunately when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I find this difficult. Have you ever gotten to the afternoon and had no idea what you ate that day? Since I have sugar problems I know if I'm not sick I ate something. Haha - this happens a lot lately. The other problem is I get munchy. I have a snack and I want more. When I look at the clock it is clear to me why.

So my goals for this week are: 

1. to begin journaling my food.

2. begin 12 week training program for half marathon 

I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh and in the spirit of reporting - I have done very well with my 30 day shred and riding on my trainer this week. The last time I stepped on the scale it was 213.5 (-2.5 lbs)  :-)

Difficult Day

Isn't your first few days after you have committed supposed to be easy because you are soo focused. Ugh. Not so much. After being totally overwhelmed with work, kids, finances, stupid man, I had a hard day. Yes I ate ice cream and even ate cookies. NOT on my weight loss plan. I am so frustrated with myself. I keep thinking I have to focus but maybe that isn't the solution. Maybe I just need to replace my emotional eating with a more healthy habit. I don't know...what about pushups? situps? Difficult, crappy days are not over. I can't go around them. I have to go through them. I think I need to evaluate my habits and replace them with habits that will help me reach my goals. Wish me luck.

Weight Highs and lows

A little history:

wedding 1991

As a child I was always active and thin. As a teenager I competed in soccer, track and loved bike riding. I was always strong and healthy. As a freshman in college I didn't gain the freshman 15. I actually lost 15lbs my first semester. I continued exercising, began running regularly and didn't worry about my weight. I looked great. When I got married I was happy with my weight. I was probably 140lbs. After a few years I was pregnant with my first child and I gained almost 40lbs. I did everything I always did and couldn't loose the weight. I developed hypothyroidism. After I went on medication, I was able to loose the weight once more. My next 2 pregnancies were about the same. Normal weight gain for the pregnancy and I was able to loose it through hard work, exercise and eating right. A side note: I never loose any weight until after I have finished breast feeding my child. So if you look at my pictures for these years my weight is up and down like a yo-yo even though I never went on any crazy diets.

2001 after 3rd child

Then my 30's hit. I continued working hard but my thyroid went crazy. My doctor at the time would not work with me. After a 30lbs weight gain over 4 months, I changed doctors and  got my medication up to par. As I began to loose the weight, I got pregnant with my 4th child. I only gained 20lbs through this pregnancy but it was still difficult to reach that 200lbs mark. Even though I had excuses, it was painful. I was so glad to have my beautiful boy and I was done having children. I hit my weight loss hard after I finished breast feeding. I began a new hormone treatment. Well it didn't work. It sent my thyroid crazy and (unbeknownst to me) made me fertile. I found out about baby #5 when my husband was gone on a 6 week trip. I was overwhelmed. I hadn't even lost all the weight of my 4th child and here I was pregnant again. I gained more weight and ended up around 220lbs. It was a stressful pregnancy.

2005 after 5th child

I should mention while I was 20wks pregnant I sold our house in a slow housing market and bought a new home. My husband was gone most of that summer. I was going through it alone. In August he came home on a Wednesday, we closed on one house Thursday, the other house on Friday and moved on Saturday. Sunday my husband left for a business trip around the world for 2 1/2mths. I had no close family to help with my 4 kids, new house and pregnancy. I was thrilled to have my beautiful baby boy in December and I began my weight loss once more.

2011 at triathlon 

I was able to get back down to the 160's in 2010/2011. I was running, biking and swimming. I ran half marathons, competed in triathlons and cycled mountains. It wasn't a quick and easy trip to that weight but I worked hard and was happy with my body. Then 2012 hit. On Jan 28, 2012 my husband said he wanted to leave me. If that wasn't enough, in March he was admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks for encephalitis and liver failure. It was horrible. I stayed by his side the entire time. I wanted to make our marriage work. The following months were full of pain and acceptance of divorce. So after a lot of emotional eating, thyroid problems, and incredible amounts of stress, I am now 216lbs. I am eager to finish the divorce and become the woman I can be.

Jan 2013 - the ugly truth

Current weight: 216
Goal weight: 145
Realistic goal weight: 155

Getting Healthy: The Plan

I believe being healthy is more than just a number on a scale. Your entire body is linked together. Guess what? When I stress out = no sleep, weight gain, poor eating, no desire to exercise. That is my current cycle. New cycle: look to positive, keep hope = good dreams, exercise, eating right, loosing weight, feeling great! Here's my life plan. It is one I try to incorporate into my life but threw it out the window so I could keep myself from going into the R wing :-)
Physical:
Food: The most difficult for me. I'm an emotional eater. That 14 year old teenage boy is disrespecting me again = where's the cookie? The soon to be x husband is trying to control my life again = where's the chocolate? I'm stressed about all the work I have to do and can't focus on = crackers? Wheat thins are thin which equals no calories, right? You get the picture. I have hypoglycemia and both my parents are type 2 diabetics. I need to be careful. So my plan always involves a combination of carbs & proteins. I will post the specifics later.
Exercise: 1/2 marathon on April 20th, 100m bike race June 1, 30 day shred. Some may think these goals are a little lofty but I have raced in several 1/2 marathons, triathlons and last year I did the 100m bike race even with all the crap in my life. I can and will do it! I have a schedule I like to stick to. I'll post it later.
Sleep: I don't sleep = I gain weight. 7-8 hours is my ideal. After putting everyone to bed, I can have quite time 10-11pm and sleep 11pm-6:30am
Mental:
Focus on the positive; write my blog & journal; once a month with my therapist; praise my children & myself; never give up!
Social:
Keep going out with my girlfriends, at least once a month. Talk, text, and email friends and family daily.
Spiritual:
Prayers & scriptures each day; church once a week; temple once every other week.

What!?!

So this is what I saw when I stepped on that awful method of torture called the scale. How can this be? I can use the excuse of my hypothyroidism. It went from a 1 to an 11 last year. (2.5-3 is the normal range.) I can use the excuse of lack of sleep and stress. I can use the excuse of taking on more work to support my family. I can use the excuse of all the extra crap that has taken away my time and desire to exercise. You know what it won't change the truth. My clothes don't fit. I feel awful about my appearance. I am sluggish and yes fat!

So since I have had a thyroid problem for the last 19 years, I started there. I went to the doctor and had to step on the scale. I discovered that I was FAT and 1/2 inch shorter!!! (I am now 5'7 1/2") Not a stellar day! Once I found out my thyroid levels were normal, I found I couldn't use that as my excuse anymore.

OK so it is January and everyone wants to loose weight right? I am 41 years old. I know what I need to do but I keep being side swiped by this stupid divorce. Time to focus!

New Beginnings

It happened. The unthinkable happened. After 21 years of marriage my husband had an affair. He chose the slut and threw aside his wife, his 5 children, his job, his church. Everything he knew went out the window for her. Employer, family, church and yes even the law have turned against him. But this is not about his journey, it is all about mine. I have dealt with a lot of pain this past year. 2012 sucked!

I open the window to a new day, a new life of rediscovery. Please do not misunderstand. I do not want to change who I am. I like me. What I need to do is discover who I am now. I am a jumble of all my experiences. I think I know the woman I want to become but it will take time and I feel like I have to start over again.  I am a woman of many different roles to play. I am a mix of the young confident and yes sometimes arrogant girl who got married just before her 20th birthday; a strong mother who is raising 5 children with a neglectful husband/father; a beautiful and sexy woman who once turned many heads (and yes I plan to again); a courageous athlete;  a creative and romantic thinker; an intelligent woman; a practical woman; a faithful woman; a hopeful woman.

I am not sure there will be anyone out there who will follow my journey but I feel more accountable to continue journaling my own journey if I post it here. I only ask you to be patient with me as I trudge through the muck in my life to become the woman I want to be.

Part of this journey is loosing the 45lbs I have gained in 2012.